Love languages are a concept created by Dr. Gary Chapman, a counselor and relationship expert
in his 1995 book Five Love Languages. Dr. Chapman’s book dissects the ways we show love and the ways
we wish to receive love, a concept that can help strengthen relationships. If we are continually showing
love in ways that aren’t recognized or looking for love in a way that isn’t given to us, it can create hurt
and animosity in our relationships.
The five love languages are gift giving, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and
physical touch. According to Chapman, individuals have ways that they typically show love as well as
ways (sometimes different ways) they wish to receive love from their partner. You can become
distressed in a relationship when you are looking for love to be shown to you through physical affection,
for instance, but your partner is trying to show love through quality time. Knowing how you like to give
and receive love and discussing your partner’s preferences can help demystify this typically unspoken
communication within your relationship.
1. Gift giving is a love language that encompasses the full act of giving a gift. It usually involves
spending time considering the gift, choosing an item that represents the relationship or the feelings, and
then the act of giving the gift. When someone is using gift giving as a love language, it can feel
“thoughtless” when the receiver of the gift doesn’t acknowledge the full act of giving. When your
partner wants to receive love through gift giving, a good rule of thumb of “It is the thought that counts.”
Give gifts with meaning and fore thought. If your partner is showing love through gift giving, make sure
you properly acknowledge the gift as well as the gesture. Actions to avoid if your partner’s love language
is gift gifting would be unenthusiastic reception of a gift or forgetting special occasions.
2. Words of affirmation involves offering verbal compliments and words of appreciation. When
your partner wants to receive love this way, consider writing a thoughtful, unexpected note. When you
notice they have done well or something they have done for you, make sure you express your
appreciation through kind words. If your partner is showing love through words of affirmation, try not to
discount it. Listen and accept their words for truth and tell them you appreciate their words. Actions to
avoid if your partner’s love language is words of affirmation would be not recognizing and appreciating
their efforts or being verbally critical.
3. Quality time is about focused and uninterrupted time together. When your partner wants to
receive love this way, it is important to them when you set aside dedicated time to spend with them,
being focused on them without distraction. Having that one-on-one time is incredibly important to a
quality time person. Create special time with your partner, even in everyday things like going to the
grocery store together. When your partner wants to show love through quality time, make sure you put
distractions away and give them your full attention. Actions to avoid if your partner’s language is quality
time would be long periods of time without one-on-one time or being distracted during your quality
time, such as using your cell phone.

4. Acts of service are shown through on-going acts of helpfulness. When your partner notices you
are busy or overwhelmed and they help with your workload, they may be showing their love through
acts of service. When your partner wants to receive love this way, you might ask them what you can do
for them. Or, if you have already done something for them, let them know “I did XYZ for you today.”
When your partner wants to show love through acts of service, take care to acknowledge the acts and
acknowledge that they have done them to show love for you. Actions to avoid if your partner’s love
language is acts of service would be promising to do something that you don’t end up doing or ignoring
when they are overwhelmed and are needing help.
5. Physical touch involves the use of non-verbal communication skills, touch, and body language to
convey love. When your partner wants to receive love through physical touch, they might enjoy
cuddling, hugs, kisses, holding hands, or massage. If you partner is trying to show love through physical
affection, giving physical affection back or being receptive to their touch is important. If physical touch is
their love language, try making hugs and loving touch a regular part of your time together. Things to
avoid if your partner’s love language is physical touch would be long periods without intimacy, waiting
for them to initiate physical contact, or coldly receiving their physical touch.
It can be helpful for couples to consider what each of their love languages are and to open it up
for discussion. Knowing how your partner is showing love and how they want to receive love creates a
relationship that is mutually loving and respectful. Acknowledging each other’s loving acts increases
feelings of acceptance and gives greater opportunities for loving exchanges.

By Jessica Weed, LMHCA