Couples Archives - Charmed Counseling

Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month

Across America, teens impacted by abusive relationships, suffering in silence as they are threatened with or subjected to physical violence, sexual violence, psychological aggression, or stalking from a current or former intimate partner. National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month was created to bring this topic out of the shadows and commit to promoting healthy relationships among teens.

Each year, around 12 percent of American high schoolers experience physical or sexual violence at the hands of an intimate partner. Young women, transgender teens, and gender nonconforming youth are disproportionately affected. Dating violence can also occur on social media, online, and through other electronic communication in the form of cyberstalking, distribution of intimate images, and other technology-facilitated harms. This trauma not only affects survivors’ health, safety, and aspirations as teenagers, it can also follow them into adulthood and increase the risk of violence in future relationships. When we teach teens about healthy, nonviolent relationships, we support their development and create safer, healthier communities for everyone.

By recognizing the signs of dating and domestic violence, setting positive examples of healthy relationships that lift up instead of tear down, and making clear that abuses of power are never acceptable, we can build a culture where respect is the norm.

If you or someone you know is involved in an abusive relationship of any kind, immediate and confidential support is available through the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s project focused on supporting young people by visiting loveisrespect.org, calling 1-866-331-9474 (TTY: 1-800-787-3224), or texting “LOVEIS” to 22522.

Using the Five Love Languages to Improve Your Relationship

Love languages are a concept created by Dr. Gary Chapman, a counselor and relationship expert
in his 1995 book Five Love Languages. Dr. Chapman’s book dissects the ways we show love and the ways
we wish to receive love, a concept that can help strengthen relationships. If we are continually showing
love in ways that aren’t recognized or looking for love in a way that isn’t given to us, it can create hurt
and animosity in our relationships.
The five love languages are gift giving, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and
physical touch. According to Chapman, individuals have ways that they typically show love as well as
ways (sometimes different ways) they wish to receive love from their partner. You can become
distressed in a relationship when you are looking for love to be shown to you through physical affection,
for instance, but your partner is trying to show love through quality time. Knowing how you like to give
and receive love and discussing your partner’s preferences can help demystify this typically unspoken
communication within your relationship.
1. Gift giving is a love language that encompasses the full act of giving a gift. It usually involves
spending time considering the gift, choosing an item that represents the relationship or the feelings, and
then the act of giving the gift. When someone is using gift giving as a love language, it can feel
“thoughtless” when the receiver of the gift doesn’t acknowledge the full act of giving. When your
partner wants to receive love through gift giving, a good rule of thumb of “It is the thought that counts.”
Give gifts with meaning and fore thought. If your partner is showing love through gift giving, make sure
you properly acknowledge the gift as well as the gesture. Actions to avoid if your partner’s love language
is gift gifting would be unenthusiastic reception of a gift or forgetting special occasions.
2. Words of affirmation involves offering verbal compliments and words of appreciation. When
your partner wants to receive love this way, consider writing a thoughtful, unexpected note. When you
notice they have done well or something they have done for you, make sure you express your
appreciation through kind words. If your partner is showing love through words of affirmation, try not to
discount it. Listen and accept their words for truth and tell them you appreciate their words. Actions to
avoid if your partner’s love language is words of affirmation would be not recognizing and appreciating
their efforts or being verbally critical.
3. Quality time is about focused and uninterrupted time together. When your partner wants to
receive love this way, it is important to them when you set aside dedicated time to spend with them,
being focused on them without distraction. Having that one-on-one time is incredibly important to a
quality time person. Create special time with your partner, even in everyday things like going to the
grocery store together. When your partner wants to show love through quality time, make sure you put
distractions away and give them your full attention. Actions to avoid if your partner’s language is quality
time would be long periods of time without one-on-one time or being distracted during your quality
time, such as using your cell phone.

4. Acts of service are shown through on-going acts of helpfulness. When your partner notices you
are busy or overwhelmed and they help with your workload, they may be showing their love through
acts of service. When your partner wants to receive love this way, you might ask them what you can do
for them. Or, if you have already done something for them, let them know “I did XYZ for you today.”
When your partner wants to show love through acts of service, take care to acknowledge the acts and
acknowledge that they have done them to show love for you. Actions to avoid if your partner’s love
language is acts of service would be promising to do something that you don’t end up doing or ignoring
when they are overwhelmed and are needing help.
5. Physical touch involves the use of non-verbal communication skills, touch, and body language to
convey love. When your partner wants to receive love through physical touch, they might enjoy
cuddling, hugs, kisses, holding hands, or massage. If you partner is trying to show love through physical
affection, giving physical affection back or being receptive to their touch is important. If physical touch is
their love language, try making hugs and loving touch a regular part of your time together. Things to
avoid if your partner’s love language is physical touch would be long periods without intimacy, waiting
for them to initiate physical contact, or coldly receiving their physical touch.
It can be helpful for couples to consider what each of their love languages are and to open it up
for discussion. Knowing how your partner is showing love and how they want to receive love creates a
relationship that is mutually loving and respectful. Acknowledging each other’s loving acts increases
feelings of acceptance and gives greater opportunities for loving exchanges.

By Jessica Weed, LMHCA

*5 strategies to help strengthen your relationship.

These strategies are based on Gottman method, which is one of the most effective couples therapies.

#1 Turn towards your partner’s bids for connection
Bids for connection are opportunities your partner makes to get your attention and connect with you. Drs. John and Julie Gottman studied thousands of couples and found specific behaviors that made relationships successful or unsuccessful; they referred to them as “masters” or “disasters” of relationships. Masters of relationships responded to their partner’s bids 86% of the time, while disasters responded to their partner’s bids only 33% of the time. Bids aren’t always verbal; they can be non-verbal such as crying and sighing. Turning towards your partner and responding to their needs builds trust, connection, and passion. Give full eye contact, put down screens, ask questions, and show interest to help build connection and trust in your relationship.

#2 Build love maps
Often when we begin to date a person, we ask many questions about them to get to know them. As we progress in our relationship, sometimes this stops as we think we know our partner, but our partner’s world does not stop changing. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman created the term “building love maps” to simply mean “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” Continuing to build love maps helps to better handle stress and conflict as a couple. Spend time asking each other questions such as “What is your worst fear?” or “What was one your best childhood experiences?” You can also download the free Gottman Card Decks app to help you in this process.

#3 Eliminate and replace the four horsemen
Dr. Gottman has been able to accurately predict divorce in 90% of cases when couples engage in these four communication patterns and do not address them. These patterns include criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. Here are some ways to replace them:
Criticism-Instead of putting down your partner, use a gentle start-up by talking about your feelings and expressing a need. Use an “I statement” instead of a “you statement”. For example, instead of “You never help with cleaning, you are so lazy” try “I feel overwhelmed by all of the cleaning that needs to get done. Will you please help me with the dishes?”
Contempt-These are statements or behaviors that come from a place of superiority over one’s partner, such as sarcasm, mockery, eye rolling, name-calling, and cynicism. It is the highest predictor of divorce. Instead, describe your own feelings and needs, do not describe your partner. Demonstrate appreciation and respect for your partner.
Defensiveness-Instead of becoming defensive or blaming your partner, accept responsibility for part of the problem.
Stonewalling-Stonewalling is emotionally and/or physically withdrawing from your partner during a conversation. When people are stonewalling they are usually distressed and feel overwhelmed. Instead of stonewalling, tell your partner you need a break and will be back. Practice self-soothing for at least twenty minutes by doing things such as going for a walk, taking deep breaths, or doing a meditation. Then, go back to your partner and continue the conversation.

#4 Process the fight or regrettable incident
After there has been some emotional distance and both people are calm from the incident, go back and process it without getting back into the issue. The purpose of this is to have a greater understanding of your partner’s experience. Avoid using the four horsemen. Steps to help in this process are:
Share how you felt without explaining why. Only comment on your own feelings, not your partner’s.
Take turns describing your reality of the situation and validate some parts of your partner’s reality.
Share what was triggering about the issue for you based on previous experiences or memories and why these were triggering.
Acknowledge the role you played in the fight.
Create constructive plans for the future by telling your partner something they can do differently in the future to avoid the incident from occurring again.

#5 Create a shared purpose in your life together
Create meaning together by creating a mission statement of your life and sharing it with your partner. Identify values, goals, cultures, and narratives that you have in common. Ask questions such as “What are your dreams? What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to be remembered by when you’re gone?” Identify what changes might need to be made to help your partner achieve their dreams, your own dreams, and dreams that you have together as a couple.

by Taylor Hocking, LMFTA, SUDP