Mental Health Archives - Page 2 of 4

Five Easy Tips to Increase Motivation

Do you feel like there is just not enough hours in the day to do what you want or even complete the things you need to? Do you wish you just had that extra push to get you through the day? Do not worry you are not the only one, Harvard Business School recently did a study that explained that not only are employees feeling more distracted but also feel less motivated. They also looked at the perspective of 600 CEO’s and noticed that even business owners are preoccupied with keeping moral and motivation up while decreasing stress and potential losses (Groysberg, 2020).

What is Motivation?

Motivation is the driving force that helps us achieve our daily goals and strive to excel in our life goals. Motivation is the “why” behind someone’s thought, feelings and actions. There are two types of motivation extrinsic and intrinsic. Extrinsic motivation is fueled by external rewards and/or punishment. An example of extrinsic motivation would be competing in a sport for trophies or very similarly competing at work for money. Intrinsic motivation or internal motivation would be doing an activity because it is internally rewarding, going back to our previous examples would be to compete in a sport because it is fun or doing a good job at work because you feel a sense of pride with a job well done. For many people either type of motivation can have long lasting effects and can create healthy habits. The only thing is, we must be mindful about how we are going to start these habits. We also must make sure we know how long and how often we want to practice these habits. While also holding ourselves accountable with either following through or not with the habits we deem are important.

Easy Tips to Help Increase Motivation

Journaling– I know we have heard about journaling in vlogs, self-help books and all our counselors alike. The University of St. Augustine (2020) recently wrote about the benefits of journaling; not only did they find that it actually helps with managing anxiety and depression; but they also found that with journaling, individuals had an easier time with gaining a deeper understanding of their own internal conflicts. Journaling can also help with achieving goals; just the process of writing down your goals can motivate you to start making steps toward your goals. Think the process for journaling is too hard or just not your thing? Ask your counselor or reach out to Charmed for some more creative ways to get engaged with journaling.
Creating and Maintaining Relationships-Sometimes motivating ourselves can be difficult, leaning on our support systems can get us out of a rut and propel us in the right direction. Also, having a soundboard or other’s opinions can help with having to make difficult decisions or helping us try new things, which fuels our motivation. Giving a friend a call and laughing with them can be the best medicine. Not sure how to feel supported or feeling a little bit lonely, some great places to visit would be Facebook groups, meetups, or joining a local support group.
Exercise– Moving our bodies and getting the blood flowing can decrease stress and increase energy levels and our mood. The runner’s high is absolutely no lie and can actually keep us motivated on our work and relationship goals. A healthy body contributes to a healthy mind. Some tricks to be more active can be taking the stairs instead of the elevator. Taking a quick walk on your lunch break. Parking a little further than usual. Cleaning up your space. Visit this link for an activity calendar: Track Your Activities (nih.gov) .
Meditation-I know this is another one that some people have a hard time with, but the research suggests that mediation can reduce stress, improve memory, lower blood pressure, enhance willpower and increase attention. Meditation is not supposed to be creating the perfect atmosphere or to have a yoga-aesthetic experience, mediation is arriving in our present situation as it is. (not to say you can’t have the prefect yoga experience while meditating). Here are a few examples: visualizing, chanting mantras or affirmations, counting out each breath, laying down, and focusing on physical sensations.
Practicing self-care– Reminding yourself that you are also important and do need attention and care is the best thing. Practicing self-care can give you that extra motivation boast you need either throughout the day or week. Check out our other blogs and the importance of self-care to learn more about the topic here: The Truths About Self-Care – Charmed Counseling.

Going Forward

Trying to keep ourselves motivated is no simple task, especially amid a pandemic and all the other external stressors going on in the world. Feeling drained or tired can be very normal and resting can be the best thing you can do. If you feel you are struggling or just need some new tools; give us a call at 509-768-6852 or email us at info@charmedcounseling.com.

References

10 ways journaling benefits students. University of St. Augustine for Health Sciences. (2021, January 5). Retrieved February 21, 2022, from https://www.usa.edu/blog/ways-journaling-benefits-students/

Goldin, P. (2021, January 5). https://health.ucdavis.edu/news/headlines/10-health-benefits-of-meditation/2019/06. University of St. Augustine for Health Sciences. Retrieved February 21, 2022, from https://www.usa.edu/blog/ways-journaling-benefits-students/

Groysberg, B. (2020, October 8). Keep your weary workers engaged and motivated. HBS Working Knowledge. Retrieved February 21, 2022, from https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/keep-covid-weary-employees-engaged-and-motivated

Play Therapy: Can’t I Just Play with my own Kids? Part 2

Last week in the blog, I provided a brief intro to Play Therapy so parents can understand the methods and approach utilized when working with their children. Oftentimes after I explain to parents about Play Therapy, I’m met with the question “can’t I just play on my own with my kids?”. To this, I say.. Yes! As a parent one of the most nourishing activities with your child is to engage with play which they lead and direct. This provides parents a lens into their child’s interests and strengths, which will be discussed more in next week’s blog! That said, the play between a parent and child is a relationship building activity and considered regular play, which is vastly different from therapeutic play.

So what is therapeutic play then? There are many different ways to integrate play into therapy but there are two main theoretical approaches: Directive play therapy and non-direct play therapy. In direct play therapy a therapist may plan games, activities, or worksheets which help facilitate skill development, processing different challenges, or increase insight within the child. The therapist trusts the child to heal themselves, but provides guidance and direction to the child. Direct play therapy relies heavily on the therapeutic relationship between child and therapist and communication between therapist and child. For this reason, most often direct child therapy approaches are best for children who are able to communicate well, typically age 5-6+. Non-direct play therapy is just as it sounds, non-direct. The modality trusts that when a child is introduced to a safe environment, which is comfortable and inviting, that they have the natural ability to process and heal through the activities of their choosing. As you will recall from last week’s blog post, Virginia Axiline was instrumental in the development of non-direct play therapy. Axiline felt that through having a space where a child is free of judgement and are capable of harnessing their own strengths, a child can feel empowered to conquer different challenges and obstacles. Non-directive play therapy is typically better for children who are pre-verbal or non-verbal as it allows them to communicate through play, or children who are younger than 6.

Like most approaches, therapists may blend modalities and methods together to provide child centered care which fits the child’s own needs. This may look like some focused sessions surrounding practicing coping skills, and other sessions where children engage in non-directive play to communicate their challenges with the therapist. In utilizing either approach, the therapist is doing much more than simply playing with the child. They are observing different behaviors, assessing how the child responds to barriers when confronted with them, identifying strengths, and most importantly empowering the child to be their true self.

All of this is to say as parents, you should definitely be playing with your kiddos, but your role is not as a therapist. A play therapist offers children time to be their true authentic selves, free of judgement, and allows their bodies and mind process in ways which are natural to them. A parent provides love and nurturing, is an example of the first attachment in a child’s life and shows how relationships and attachments in their lives should be. Play with your child may be recommended by your therapist to engage in outside of your sessions, and they may even provide different activities to try to help strengthen and secure your attachment with your child. Overall play is not only an excellent method for parents to use to communicate with their child, but also is therapeutic to helping your child. So play with your child and learn how they like to play, but don’t mistake it for the same value as therapeutic play.

Kaitlyn Lee, LICSWA
Charmed Counseling PLLC
Phone & Text: 509-606-0708
Fax: 509-232-5552

What is Harm OCD?

It is normal for people to have occasional intrusive thoughts about harming other people or themselves. Many people think thoughts such as “What if I drove my car off the side of the road?” without thinking much further about the thought. For a person with harm OCD, these thoughts are distressing, and the person wonders if having the thought means they will act on it. They may have repetitive, unwanted thoughts of harming others or themselves, or fears that they have harmed someone in the past. Some examples of harm obsessions might include:

-Punching, stabbing, choking, shooting, physically or sexually assaulting, and/or killing other people or animals
-Committing suicide or harming self
-Harming loved ones or strangers
-Harming vulnerable people such as babies, children, people with disabilities, pregnant women, elderly people
-Questioning whether they have harmed someone in the past such as having murdered, assaulted, or ran over someone
-Blurting out obscenities such as derogatory or racial slurs

It is important to note that these thoughts are unwanted and distressing. For example, a person can have suicidal thoughts and not have harm OCD because the thoughts feel cathartic or desired, whereas a person who is experiencing harm OCD is terrified of these thoughts. Also, a person having intrusive and distressing thoughts of harming other people is different from a person who is genuinely violent and enjoys hurting other people. OCD can be such a disturbing experience because it will often tell the person “what if you actually enjoy these thoughts and you don’t really have OCD?” and a person may begin to question themselves, often in a vicious cycle similar to a broken record.

Many people with OCD experience “thought-action-fusion” where one believes that having the thought is as bad as acting on a thought. A person with OCD may fear that they are a terrible person or are losing their mind because they are having these thoughts. Part of treating OCD is learning that thoughts are just thoughts and do not equal actions. The best treatment to help address this is Exposure and Response Prevention. Without it, people may continue to engage in compulsions to reassure themselves, such as reading articles like this to remind themselves that they only have OCD and are not “crazy”. While compulsions such as checking, researching, and seeking reassurance help a person feel better in the short-term, they can cause OCD to get worse in the long-term.

If you are interested in Exposure and Response Prevention, Taylor Hocking, LMFTA, SUDP offers this type of therapy. You can inquire about openings at 509-768-6852.

Play Therapy: An Intro for Parents

Hi Parents! Congratulations, you have taken a big step and put your child in therapy. Not only is it a hurdle to explain to your child what therapy is, but trusting your most loved and valued attachment with a complete stranger is difficult on the parent too. Not only are you trusting the therapist with your child, but also the intimate details of their mental health. So for this, I applaud each and every parent for recognizing the importance of mental health and wellness in your child.

So imagine after all of these barriers and hurdles, you walk into your first session for therapy and are met with a therapist with paint on their clothes, some sparkles and cut paper on the table, and a whole host of board games and toys. There is probably a Nintendo switch or tablet thrown askew in the background. As a parent, this may be jarring and leave you wondering if you choose the right therapist or wondering if such a distracting and playful atmosphere is truly helpful and therapeutic. Surely a more calm atmosphere, with neutral tones must be what your child needs…. And to that, I say, well maybe.

Each child is different and needs a different approach, so maybe a neutral room with a couch may be helpful, but Virginia Axiline would argue the opposite. Axiline is a psychologist and one of the pioneers to coin the modality that we now know as “Play Therapy”. For children entering therapy, the brightness of colors, array of toys and activities provide a familiar environment to encourage a child to engage and feel comfortable. These types of concerns and thoughts about the therapeutic methods of Play Therapy though, are not new and many parents have these questions. For this reason, I will respond to two of the most frequently asked questions “What is Play Therapy?” and “Why Does it Work?”

What is Play Therapy ?

When talking to parents about play therapy, I first ask parents what they think therapy is like for adults. Responses vary, but I hear things along the line of “talking about feelings on the couch”. Alternatively I might ask them to describe the setting of what therapy for adults looks like… Such as big comfy couches and pillows, having a neutral therapist across from you, overall a very intimate experience. These are all stereotypes, because it is what most often brings adults comfort…. But what about kids? Imagine a child in this therapeutic setting, they would probably be closed off, fidgeting around on the couch, or deciding for a nice nap.

Play therapy offers an environment which meets children where they are at, and engages them in activities they know best… PLAY! Axiline describes play as a child’s “natural medium” where children can feel free to express themselves. This not only assists with the relationship building process with therapist and child, but allows opportunities to explore challenges and barriers in a child’s life. Play therapy can be utilized in a variety of different ways such as children processing difficult things through playing with figurines, navigating challenges and strengthening strategic thinking skills through board games, or work on social skills through video game play. Play therapy provides an approach which meets children where they are at, and allows children to express themselves in ways which feel most comfortable to them.

Why Does it Work?

So why does play therapy work? The answer is quite simple, in the 1 hour a week session of play therapy a child is able to be their true and authentic self. By a therapist providing a neutral and non-judgmental space, a child can feel free to explore challenges, emotions, trauma and other barriers in a way which is most comfortable to them. Children experience so many guidelines, expectations and rigid structures throughout their everyday life as they abide by school rules, expectations at home, and rules in general society. Considering this, coming to therapy as a child can feel like another obligation. The routines and consistency in school and parenting should not be discredited, as children do need consistency. Rather I say this to shed light to the reality that children need space to be free. Axiline identifies that the biggest factor in play therapy is “being non-directive” and “grant[ing] the individual the permission to be himself”. Through allowing children space to be truly themselves and engage in play activities of their choice, their strengths and attributes shine through. In my next blog post, I will go more into detail of the role of therapist in play therapy. For now I end simply by saying that play therapy allows children to speak in a language which is most natural for them. The therapist’s role is to support the child, observe their strengths and weaknesses, and allow the child to navigate their challenges in a safe and supportive way.

Let the Shoes drop as they May!

Do you always feel like the other shoe is going to drop?

Guess what…. Life yawl! We will always have ups, downs, and shoes dropping. Look at 2020, anything can happen! Shoes could literally fall from the sky and we would find that normal at this point.

For real though! Do you always feel like the other shoe is going to drop? Like, when something “good” is happening, things are feeling “normal”, or even “joyful” we get this gnawing feeling like something bad has to happen. Why? Because it always does… That’s your brain protecting you. Your thoughts are unconsciously saying “don’t feel too good because LIFE will drop you!” So that it keeps you ‘neutral’.

Brene Brown speaks to this. She has researched and sussed out why we feel sheer anxiety after feeling joyful. The vulnerability. Yes, we feel vulnerable because joy is fragile and what happens if we lose it? That “shoe dropping” is you losing your joy. Thus the anxiety you feel is a self-preservation skill, so that when the joy leaves you; you’re expecting it.

So, how to do “handle” it?

Here’s where you have options.

According to Brene, people who “tolerate” joy better (reduced intensity of joy and misery) are people who have a gratitude practice. This would look like making a gratitude list each day, talking to a caring friend/partner/family member about moments you’re grateful, or thankful for. Institute this with your coworkers or team, share-out your compliments or gratitudes at regular meetings. The goal? Revel in your joys consistently, and regularly. You slow down and acknowledge and validate yourself, and those around you. This helps you hold the joy longer and recognize its significance. When something is heavier, annoying, miserable, does happen (because, again, that’s life) then you’ll be able to move through it. Because you will be carrying the gratitudes in your mind. It helps to lessen the intensity of the “bad” because you’ve reveled in that “good” and it’s sticking with you.

If you’re not a Brene lover and you want concrete ways to rewire your thoughts read on.

It’s important to remember and remind ourselves of our locus of control. What are the things we can control and prepare for? When our anxiety gets the best of us and we get stuck in anticipatory exhaustion of what bad thing will happen next. When this happens we lose out on the now, we lose our control.

Ways we can work through this worry:
Rewiring our brain to think multidimensionally about it. If you find you can’t stop having difficult thoughts, ok, just follow it up with something else! It’s not always ridding yourself of the anxiety, sometimes it’s working with it, recognizing it non-judgmentally.

Follow it up with
Sometimes we think of optimists and we shutter, “that always-sunny silver-lining attitude can be annoying.”. That’s not what we are going for here. It’s more of a neutral, balancing act between seeing something anxiety-inducing and balancing it with grounding yourself and being present in the moment.

You might think: “things are going so well, this can’t last” follow it up with “and that’s ok, life keeps moving forward. This is good today.”

You might think: “our relationship is so good now but what happens when… what if they find out I… when will they leave me, it always happens” follow it up with “if it ends, it ends, I’ll navigate it because I have before and also, it might keep going. They might love that I… when they leave they might find they can’t live without me. I’m happy that today they chose me.”

The Maybe Game
Another way to help your brain think differently about something: add “maybe” in front of a thought or a sentence to help shift your perspective.

You might think “I’m financially successful now but what if I lose my job” think about this and use the word ‘maybe’ in front of each thought “maybe, I won’t lose it but they’ll cut back hours, how will that feel?; maybe, I’m just feeling stressed about this project and the feeling will pass; maybe I should reach out to my coworkers to feel more connected”

You might think: “I’m playing so well right now but what if I get hurt, what if my good streak ends!” … “maybe I keep practicing consistently to keep my muscles loose and not overwork myself; maybe I check in with my team and see how they are feeling about our team work; maybe I try to pass more to keep my connections strong”

Then What
Like the Maybe Game, “then what” is a set of words to add to your thoughts to help you shift your perspective.

You might think: “something bad is about to happen” so add “then what” to talk yourself how you’ll get through it. “Something bad is about to happen. Then what? I’ll figure it out as I go.”

You might think: “the cancer went into remission but what if it comes back? Then what? Then you’ll go to the doctor and talk about it.

There are 3 outside-of-gratitude ways to help rewire your brain; however, I would give the gratitude list a chance. It’s a simple way to extend your good feelings.

Ultimately, strategies are great and also, sometimes we just need to ‘be.’ Sometimes your anxiety of the shoe dropping is your intuition that you might be in danger of some kind. Intuition is an important aspect of being human: we need it, it serves us well, but we need to recognize when it is intuition or when it is anxiety getting in the way of our happiness. One way to determine this is allowing ourselves to sit with those uncomfortable feelings for a bit and just notice them non-judgmentally.

You also don’t need to go at this alone, reach out to a friend, family member, someone you trust. If you want an outside perspective or someone with specialized training please reach out for the support of a mental health therapist, we are here for you!

Brain Rule #2 – Survival

Rule #2 – Survival

In my first discussion of Brain Rules we talk about Exercise because movement is the key to so much about our existence.

In the second chapter… or better yet the second rule Medina shares some fun facts about evolution of our brains and bodies.

First fun fact: You have three brains. NEAT! The “lizard brain,” very basic (the primal keep-you-alive brain). Then surrounding that is the “mammalian brain” that deals with fear, pleasure, memories… you know those important things! And thirdly, surrounding that is the outside layer the “human brain” which encompases the prefrontal cortext known for giving you your personality and executive functions.

Next fun fact? The evolution of these brain(s) includes the learning and researching of Dual Representation Theory and Symbolic Reasoning.

Judy DeLoache identified Dual Representational theory, in other words, we make up things that aren’t there. We get to fantasize. Take advantage, friends. Imagine yourself on that beach or in a foreign city that isn’t your living room where you’ve felt shackled for months.

Medina also discusses the birth of Symbolic Reasoning… where we can share our experiences so that we learn from each other. Instead of having to learn harsh lessons on our own we can listen to our peers, when they say not to walk in the quicksand so we don’t die.

I don’t know about you but during these COVID times, I am absolutely using the dual representation, often daydreaming about being elsewhere or having a live-in nanny… also, using symbolic reasoning HARD and OFTEN as I learn from others’ what to do and not to do keep myself and family safe!

I really appreciate the beginning of this chapter because Medina gets right to the point about our brain(s) stating: “Our brains are designed to (1) solve problems (2) related to surviving (3) in an unstable environment (4) to do so in nearly constant movement.” After his laying out of evolution in the first chapter on Exercise this is what he can definitively say.

When I process this, part of my take-away is that as stressful as quarantine and pandemic living is, we were built for this… we were built to “solve problems” in order for ourselves and families survive in this “unstable environment.” Now, this is not to say that those who have passed away didn’t solve a hard problem, it’s not up to one person to solve. This is a communal issue hence the symbolic reasoning where we get to share our learnings and come together over shared goals of survival.

What do you think of Survival? How are you surviving? What makes sense to you with this rule?

Also in this survival chapter, Medina asserts that we humans took over the earth by working smarter not harder. We adapted not by sheer strength but by keen understanding and brain development from that primal “lizard brain” to the full “human brain” encompassing all.

So to truly survive (physically, mentally and financially) we need to do so by being in constant motion. Whether that is physically moving or playing mental gymnastics to figure out how to find consistency of food or income.

Written by Lindsey McIntyre LICSW, at Charmed Counseling

*5 strategies to help strengthen your relationship.

These strategies are based on Gottman method, which is one of the most effective couples therapies.

#1 Turn towards your partner’s bids for connection
Bids for connection are opportunities your partner makes to get your attention and connect with you. Drs. John and Julie Gottman studied thousands of couples and found specific behaviors that made relationships successful or unsuccessful; they referred to them as “masters” or “disasters” of relationships. Masters of relationships responded to their partner’s bids 86% of the time, while disasters responded to their partner’s bids only 33% of the time. Bids aren’t always verbal; they can be non-verbal such as crying and sighing. Turning towards your partner and responding to their needs builds trust, connection, and passion. Give full eye contact, put down screens, ask questions, and show interest to help build connection and trust in your relationship.

#2 Build love maps
Often when we begin to date a person, we ask many questions about them to get to know them. As we progress in our relationship, sometimes this stops as we think we know our partner, but our partner’s world does not stop changing. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman created the term “building love maps” to simply mean “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” Continuing to build love maps helps to better handle stress and conflict as a couple. Spend time asking each other questions such as “What is your worst fear?” or “What was one your best childhood experiences?” You can also download the free Gottman Card Decks app to help you in this process.

#3 Eliminate and replace the four horsemen
Dr. Gottman has been able to accurately predict divorce in 90% of cases when couples engage in these four communication patterns and do not address them. These patterns include criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. Here are some ways to replace them:
Criticism-Instead of putting down your partner, use a gentle start-up by talking about your feelings and expressing a need. Use an “I statement” instead of a “you statement”. For example, instead of “You never help with cleaning, you are so lazy” try “I feel overwhelmed by all of the cleaning that needs to get done. Will you please help me with the dishes?”
Contempt-These are statements or behaviors that come from a place of superiority over one’s partner, such as sarcasm, mockery, eye rolling, name-calling, and cynicism. It is the highest predictor of divorce. Instead, describe your own feelings and needs, do not describe your partner. Demonstrate appreciation and respect for your partner.
Defensiveness-Instead of becoming defensive or blaming your partner, accept responsibility for part of the problem.
Stonewalling-Stonewalling is emotionally and/or physically withdrawing from your partner during a conversation. When people are stonewalling they are usually distressed and feel overwhelmed. Instead of stonewalling, tell your partner you need a break and will be back. Practice self-soothing for at least twenty minutes by doing things such as going for a walk, taking deep breaths, or doing a meditation. Then, go back to your partner and continue the conversation.

#4 Process the fight or regrettable incident
After there has been some emotional distance and both people are calm from the incident, go back and process it without getting back into the issue. The purpose of this is to have a greater understanding of your partner’s experience. Avoid using the four horsemen. Steps to help in this process are:
Share how you felt without explaining why. Only comment on your own feelings, not your partner’s.
Take turns describing your reality of the situation and validate some parts of your partner’s reality.
Share what was triggering about the issue for you based on previous experiences or memories and why these were triggering.
Acknowledge the role you played in the fight.
Create constructive plans for the future by telling your partner something they can do differently in the future to avoid the incident from occurring again.

#5 Create a shared purpose in your life together
Create meaning together by creating a mission statement of your life and sharing it with your partner. Identify values, goals, cultures, and narratives that you have in common. Ask questions such as “What are your dreams? What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to be remembered by when you’re gone?” Identify what changes might need to be made to help your partner achieve their dreams, your own dreams, and dreams that you have together as a couple.

by Taylor Hocking, LMFTA, SUDP

The Truths About Self-Care

The Truths About Self-Care

As my clients know, I’m always talking about self-care. Taking time for yourself, finding a hobby, getting a message, etc. However, I’ve come to realize doing this is often only a temporary fix on a more deeply rooted issue. I came across a post by, We’re Not Really Strangers, on Facebook called, The Hard Truths About Self-Care, that made me take a long hard look at what real self-care is all about. I would like to share with you these hard truths and the possible benefits you can receive by following these.

1. You will disappoint some people when you prioritize your self-care: There are so
often expectations put on us by others that we may or may not be aware of. The
problem is, we were not asked if we could meet these expectations. Resentment
builds on both sides and conflict ensues. When you prioritize your own self-care,
you may disappoint others at first, but overall you will be better prepared to
meet their expectations or at least be in a good mind set to discuss them.
2. Self-care often means doing what you don’t feel like doing in the present moment
to benefit the future you: You may feel you don’t have enough time to complete
everything you want to get done, especially taking care of yourself. PRIORITIES
PEOPLE!!! Set small goals for yourself, make a list of what needs to be done and
then prioritize. You don’t have to get that entire list done in one day. Focus
on a few things a day and include taking some time for yourself. Make yourself a
priority and stick with it.
3. Your boundaries will scare some people away. It’s okay. Let them go! The only
people who will get upset with you having boundaries are the ones who benefit from
you not having them! Read that again. It’s okay to say no, it’s okay to not
answer a call or text immediately, and it’s okay to have a day to yourself.
4. Don’t neglect yourself taking care of someone else. You don’t owe anyone your
time, a quick text back, or emotional support when you need to be giving it to
yourself first: On an airplane, who do the flight attendants say to put the oxygen
mask on first? YOU! You are no good to anyone if you are not attending to yourself
first.
5. Neglecting yourself to take care of somebody else may seem like an act of love,
but giving from a place of emptiness only leads to resentment. Towards the other
person and eventually towards yourself: You only have so much to give on a daily
basis and if you are not giving to yourself first you can harden to the fact that
you even need it. Your mood will lean more towards the negative and relationships
suffer. I hear it all the time, “This person takes, takes, takes and never gives
back.” Well why are you letting them? Set those boundaries early and often and
you both will be happier. Well at least one of you will be.
6. Self-care requires letting go of relationships, habits and choices that are
familiar but no longer serve you: We all have at least one person in our lives
that we cringe when we see their name on our phone as it rings. You know you
don’t want to answer it, but you also know if you don’t they won’t stop calling or
texting you until they get what they want. Maybe you have a habit that serves no
other purpose than to waste your time, money and may even jeopardize your health.
Stop! I know it’s not easy, but most things in life worthwhile are not easy.
Find healthier ways of coping. Find healthier, happier people to spend your time
with.
7. It means being honest with yourself, especially when the truth is hard to admit:
This is probably one of the toughest things to grasp. We often tell ourselves
things will turn out the way they are supposed to or things will be okay. Take a
close look at your achievements and ask yourself if they just happened or did you
work hard for them? Ask yourself if things are a want or a need? How will it
benefit you? It is so easy to feel annoyed at ourselves but take it out on
others. The truth hurts sometimes, but it can also lead to great healing.
8. Self-care is hardest to do when we need it the most: Sometimes we may feel like we
don’t deserve it, or we just don’t have enough time in the day. Make that time
because you are worthy for just being you! Quit being so hard on yourself or
holding yourself to such high standards that are impossible to achieve. You
deserve to be taken care of and that care comes from you! It is no one else’s
responsibility to care for you, just as it is not your responsibility to care for
others (outside of your children). Remember, self-care is about loving yourself
enough to know you are worth your own time.

There is no magic pill that will make you happy. Happiness comes from within. It is not your job to make others happy. Your job is to make yourself happy because only you can do it. My clients hear this all the time. You can do everything under the sun for someone and they can still be miserable. That is their choice. Every one of us have choices to make in life. Don’t you think it’s time to choose you?

Written by Debra Winter, MSW, LMHC, LCSAIC

Brain Rules – #1

Amidst a stumbling pandemic that has thrown even the most “prepared” individual off course, I wanted to bring to your awareness a wonderful book that might help us ground ourselves in our needs as human beings.

Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home and School is a fantastic read by John Medina. Medina is a developmental molecular biologist who takes the science and research of the brain and puts it into easily digestible anecdotes so that we can put it into practice.

If you don’t have time to sit and read a whole book because you’re just trying to survive – then tune in each week as I break down the chapters into a blog post. It’ll be a one-chapter-a-week 12-part series. I’ll take the easily digestible and make it super paraphrased so that you can take that 3 minute coffee break to soak in his wisdom.

This content is important as it provides concrete ways to ground yourself in a time where you are feeling stuck, isolated, sluggish, distracted and above all off-balance.

Let’s get started!

Rule # 1 – Exercise
This isn’t a plug for gyms (because well, we can’t). This isn’t a plug for diet culture (because, nope nope nope). This is a RULE. Back to basic human evolution, before we were culturally set into cubicles and chairs we moved! We had to move in order to survive: to find food, shelter, each other.

“The human brain became the most powerful in the world under conditions where motion was a constant presence” Medina says, describing primitive and developing ancestors. And it’s true, obviously. Data shows that people who incorporate moderate movement for 30 minutes, 3 times per week are cognitively sharper and in more optimal shape than sedentary counterparts.

Moderate movement a.k.a aerobic exercise even has in its name aerobic which means requiring free oxygen… it brings oxygen into your system, supports your heart and your blood and your braaaaain.

Sum up:
“Exercise boosts brain power”
Our brains and bodies were built to walk
You need to MOVE to build those thinking skills
Movement gets blood to your brain to support making neural pathways and connections
That blood getting to your brain also brings energy and oxygen to expend toxic elections
Aerobic exercise even just 2 times a week significantly (50% to 60%) decreases your chance or Alzheimer and dementia respectively.
Movement decreases anxiety and depressive symptoms

Rule # 2 Next Wednesday

Using Pleasant Imagery to De-Stress

Thinking and meditating on pleasant images can help you to relax and decrease tension. It also can be an effective coping strategy to use when needing to distract yourself from distressing situations such as experiencing cravings to use drugs/drink or engage in self-harm. Using pleasant imagery until the distress has passed can help to prevent you from doing something you might regret later on.

To start, think of a place that is calming, relaxing, or brings you joy. This place can be real or fictional. Then begin to think of the five senses: when you are in this place, what do you see, taste, smell, touch, and hear? What is the temperature like? What positive feelings come up for you when you imagine being in this place?

Simply imagining such a place can be helpful in itself, and there are other ways to enhance these positive feelings. Drawing, coloring or painting the place may help to visualize the situation better and keep you grounded in a relaxing activity. Other ways to enhance the feeling is to try to bring different sensations to where you are. For example, if your calm place is the beach, listening to beach sounds, touching sand and water, or smelling a beach scented candle may make the experience more vivid and relaxing.

If you are interested in learning more coping skills for managing stress or distressing experiences, there are therapists at Charmed Counseling who can help. Call 509-768-6852 to schedule an appointment or consultation.

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