These strategies are based on Gottman method, which is one of the most effective couples therapies.

#1 Turn towards your partner’s bids for connection
Bids for connection are opportunities your partner makes to get your attention and connect with you. Drs. John and Julie Gottman studied thousands of couples and found specific behaviors that made relationships successful or unsuccessful; they referred to them as “masters” or “disasters” of relationships. Masters of relationships responded to their partner’s bids 86% of the time, while disasters responded to their partner’s bids only 33% of the time. Bids aren’t always verbal; they can be non-verbal such as crying and sighing. Turning towards your partner and responding to their needs builds trust, connection, and passion. Give full eye contact, put down screens, ask questions, and show interest to help build connection and trust in your relationship.

#2 Build love maps
Often when we begin to date a person, we ask many questions about them to get to know them. As we progress in our relationship, sometimes this stops as we think we know our partner, but our partner’s world does not stop changing. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman created the term “building love maps” to simply mean “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” Continuing to build love maps helps to better handle stress and conflict as a couple. Spend time asking each other questions such as “What is your worst fear?” or “What was one your best childhood experiences?” You can also download the free Gottman Card Decks app to help you in this process.

#3 Eliminate and replace the four horsemen
Dr. Gottman has been able to accurately predict divorce in 90% of cases when couples engage in these four communication patterns and do not address them. These patterns include criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. Here are some ways to replace them:
Criticism-Instead of putting down your partner, use a gentle start-up by talking about your feelings and expressing a need. Use an “I statement” instead of a “you statement”. For example, instead of “You never help with cleaning, you are so lazy” try “I feel overwhelmed by all of the cleaning that needs to get done. Will you please help me with the dishes?”
Contempt-These are statements or behaviors that come from a place of superiority over one’s partner, such as sarcasm, mockery, eye rolling, name-calling, and cynicism. It is the highest predictor of divorce. Instead, describe your own feelings and needs, do not describe your partner. Demonstrate appreciation and respect for your partner.
Defensiveness-Instead of becoming defensive or blaming your partner, accept responsibility for part of the problem.
Stonewalling-Stonewalling is emotionally and/or physically withdrawing from your partner during a conversation. When people are stonewalling they are usually distressed and feel overwhelmed. Instead of stonewalling, tell your partner you need a break and will be back. Practice self-soothing for at least twenty minutes by doing things such as going for a walk, taking deep breaths, or doing a meditation. Then, go back to your partner and continue the conversation.

#4 Process the fight or regrettable incident
After there has been some emotional distance and both people are calm from the incident, go back and process it without getting back into the issue. The purpose of this is to have a greater understanding of your partner’s experience. Avoid using the four horsemen. Steps to help in this process are:
Share how you felt without explaining why. Only comment on your own feelings, not your partner’s.
Take turns describing your reality of the situation and validate some parts of your partner’s reality.
Share what was triggering about the issue for you based on previous experiences or memories and why these were triggering.
Acknowledge the role you played in the fight.
Create constructive plans for the future by telling your partner something they can do differently in the future to avoid the incident from occurring again.

#5 Create a shared purpose in your life together
Create meaning together by creating a mission statement of your life and sharing it with your partner. Identify values, goals, cultures, and narratives that you have in common. Ask questions such as “What are your dreams? What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to be remembered by when you’re gone?” Identify what changes might need to be made to help your partner achieve their dreams, your own dreams, and dreams that you have together as a couple.

by Taylor Hocking, LMFTA, SUDP